💭 I sucked the fun out of my own life

15 Jul, 2026

Dear reader, I’m doing this letter style because I feel it will be easier. You see, I’m writing this at 21:00 on Wednesday July 15. I wanted to post this today because Wednesday is usually my post day and I already posted a day late last week.

I am currently in a hotel bed, my five year old son asleep next to me after a full day out and about in Rotterdam. Me and him travelled here to meet up with my brother, who lives here. He’s lived here for…gosh how long now? Probably 20 years…minus a 5ish year stint in Singapore. But yeah he’s been here a long time. And I have lots of memories of being in Rotterdam with him. It’s been really nice visiting him but I also can’t help but feel sad? Bittersweet? It’s just this trip has really made me notice how things have changed, how we’ve grown older, how maybe others have moved on while I still seem to be seeking the past. I don’t know when this happened. But at some point I became extremely aware of how I spend my money, of how much unnecessary stuff I accumulate, and of the planet…what I mean is…I don’t give in to frivolity anymore. And it kinda sucks sometimes. I came to Rotterdam with this idea that it would be like when I was in my 20s. Visiting gaming stores, toy stores, book stores…just buying whatever I wanted in the moment. Having milkshakes. Eating candy. Jumping from one fast food place to another for another little snack. Life was just fun. No care in the world. But now…I second guess everything. I think “why would I buy this Lego unicorn set? It’ll just gather dust. It’s for kids.” Or “why buy this book when I already have plenty others to read?” “Definitely don’t have that milkshake you’re trying to lose weight remember.” Somehow I seem to have sucked fun out of my own life and I don’t know why or when that really happened. I’m not saying I should be buying everything willy nilly.

Overconsumption is a real problem in our world today. But is it so bad to want to buy something and buy it in the moment, without a care or regret? I don’t know. So yeah while it’s been great to see my brother and I’ve had an amazing time sharing this trip with my son, it’s also leaving me with a little sadness in my heart. Or maybe it’s the birthday blues… I am turning 41 in a couple of days. And I just don’t feel like I AM 41. Like how!? I thought 41 year olds had it all figured out. They’re adults. I don’t feel like an adult. I still feel like I’m 25. Am I the only one? What happened? How did I miss the exit to adult land ? It’s like my body arrived but my brain/heart is still on the young adult expressway.

I have no good conclusion to this letter/post. I wanted to get these thoughts out but they’re obviously raw and in the moment and in an emotion.

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