💭 What is the meaning of it all?
I have been feeling rough. Not physically, necessarily, just like...existentially rough. Maybe it's hormonal. I have been questioning my job, my purpose, my ability to be both a mom and a person who works. I was feeling generally dissatisfied, like maybe I wasn't actually capable of doing all the things I want to do. Today that feeling is a lot less intense, which is probably partly hormones. I know myself well enough by now to recognize that there are certain phases of my cycle where ambiguity feels way more threatening than it does at other points in my cycle.
I've noticed I have this tendency to want to optimize things before I've even experienced them. I want to figure out the best way to do something. The most efficient way, the right system, the right tools, the right rhythm, the right approach. And I'm starting to wonder if sometimes that's actually getting in the way of the thing itself. Take this blog, for example. I've been taking it way too seriously. When I started it, I had this idea that it would be a gaming blog where I'd work my way through my backlog. Play a game, finish a game, write about it, move on to the next one. Very tidy...very sensible. And then I started thinking about what I needed to do to make that happen. What should I track? How should I organize my games? What should the posting rhythm be? What should each post contain? Should I finish a game before I write about it? What does this blog actually mean? At some point I realized I had somehow turned a thing I created for fun, into a job with deadlines and lots of rules. And I'm not sure I want that. Maybe I just want a place to write. That's it. I'll probably write about games a lot because I love games and they're a huge part of my life, but I also have a life outside of games. I have a job (sometimes lol). I have a kid. I go for walks. I read. I think about things. I worry about things. I make things. Sometimes I have thoughts that start with a video game and end up being about how I want to live my life. Maybe that's okay. Maybe The Long Play doesn't need to be a gaming publication... maybe it's just my little corner of the internet where I write about whatever I'm thinking about. Mostly games, sometimes life, sometimes both at once.
Externally, my life is actually pretty close to the life I've wanted. But internally, I still feel like I'm holding myself back. I don't always take very good care of myself. I don't always put my own needs first. I still sometimes act like I need to earn the things I enjoy. I still feel guilty anytime I do anything that doesn't feel "productive". Maybe being my own best friend means letting myself do things because I like them. Play the game. Read the book. Go for the walk. Listen to the podcast. Write the thing. Don't worry so much about whether it's good. Don't worry so much about whether anyone is reading the blog. Don't worry so much about whether it fits neatly into something else. Just do it. I just want a place to write. I'll write about games. I'll write about life. I'll write about the random things. I'll write when I have something to say. I'll write well, and I'll write badly. And I'll stop trying to turn it into something it isn't.
Maybe I just want to write. And maybe I just want to play. And none of it really has to mean anything.
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